Imagine a world where candy floss, rock, ice cream, donuts and sea mollusc’s were the staple of every diet.

Where tea cup waltz’s and 2p machines were prime time entertainment.

Where the tide coming in and going out is what you set your alarm by.

That’ll be the English seaside.

Or that’s what I see when I’m there at least.

It’s an unfortunate fact that Jackie Chan only does the bumbling side kick best in the eyes of the Hollywood casting directors.
This needn’t be the case because we all know he has charisma and talent enough to carry a film but the men in suits in movie land don’t think so. Shame really.

So…..

This leads on to his latest movie. A re-make of a classic…. The Karate Kid. I saw this tonight and enjoyed it but I must stress. I am a big fan of the original and a big fan of JC so was fully prepared for disappointment. I wasn’t disappointed and enjoy the film. There were gripes though. So let’s start with them.

What was wrong with this film?

The acting was pants. Let’s face it, it was. In the ‘i hate it here I want to go home’ scene the Mum character is upstaged by Jaden Smith and that’s not a compliment! Sorry Jaden. I felt sorry for him because he must have found it difficult to make the character his own when the character is already so established so I won’t take anything away from him for been a little wooden……. His cuteness made up for that though (my Queen said)?!
JC was also not so good but again how do you do a Mr Miyagi impersonation without ripping off Mr Miyagi?
Also, I don’t know if this was a conscience disiscion or not, but, Karate Kid or Kung Fu Kid?! Setting the movie in Beijing looked visually impressive and that meant Kung Fu, naturally, but the bullies didn’t sit well with me. Americans learning Karate carries more weight because of the ignorance and arrogance of an American learning a foreign martial art means they would easily take it out of context. AND use it for wrong doing. I’m pretty sure there aren’t too many Kung Fu schools teaching the ‘mercy is for the weak’ mantra.
And finally….
The ‘crane kick’ scene at the end of the movie…… Come on. He may have well as flown over the finish line!!

But that said there were good things about this movie….

When I started watching it I was filled with worry that this was a modern take on an idea and not a tribute to a classic movie but those fears were soon laid to rest…. Much of the dialogue is very similar and although the plot has big obvious differences, like moving to China and not just cross country to California and our main character (named differently) being a lot younger then Daniel San. Everything else is much in the same vein right down to the love interest’s well to do family being close to the ‘Johnny’ character. This film is very much a remake and not a re-working. And that, in my opinion is more suited to this film. Maybe I’m just bias but The Karate Kid deserves the best and it very nearly is treated to such.

So all in all it is good BUT, and this is a big but……
If the original didn’t exist and this was a new film with an original script, would it be so good? Maybe not.
Newbies to the franchise beware…!

By guest writer, Rob

They say the corner shop is dying…

Large supermarket chains are slowly pushing them out, but I like to play as the saviour, well, to one shop anyway, until today.

As I spend nearly £20 per week at said shop I was stunned to have experienced ‘the bag’ incident today, I had purchased 2 x 2ltrs of diet coke and a 750cl bottle of vodka. I asked the lady behind the counter (The co owner) If I could have a second bag to split the weight as I had a fair walk ahead of me and the weight of all the bottles in one bag was sure to slice off my fingers. She looked at me in amazement as though I had just spat in her jar of penny sweets. I explained my predicament and she replied with “5p” … I said I would struggle home with just one bag and promptly left.
I have shopped there nearly 3 years and lived only a few houses away.

If these little shops want to co exist with the so called ‘Monster’ chains then they have to have a long hard think about what they can offer that sainsbury’s (200 yards away in this case) can’t offer me. The first thing and the easiest thing would be a personal, pleasant, one to one experience, a ‘hello, how are you’ would be good instead of inspecting the cctv as I wonder out of view. The only reason that i shop there is that the coke is chilled as apposed to sainsbury’s, but if she was nice to me it would be 2-0 to the corner shop.
At the end of the day it was 5p she wasn’t willing to lose, now she has lost £20 a week.

Cool. That was written by non other then published illustrator and friend, Rob.
check his work out….

Nights out in Shanghai are good…….

Fuelled by some of the most expensive ale I’ve ever had the pleasure of parting with my cash for….

Doing Dad dancers the world over proud

It’s surprisingly difficult to move your body to the beat and remain silly throughout…. Or maybe I just can’t dance, you see, the silliness I was good at but keeping the beat….. Not so.
My daughter didn’t mind though and the fact that she tries to copy your moves makes the whole escapade worthwhile.

Not a shade embarrassing for me but my Queen would rather I danced, well, well really.

I went to see Robocop st the cinema the other day as part of a film festival at the National Media Museum. It was awesome. I already know it is a quality film but to see it on it’s original cinema size screen as though I’m seeing it for the first time was something else. It was a slightly strange experience. I know the film well and knew what was coming before it happened so it wasn’t a feeling of anticipation about what I’m about to see. More an appreciation for what I am seeing and experiencing.
So I got to thinking about other films I’d like to see on the big screen and, well, here they are……

Predator

Big guns, big muscles and a big alien. Remember the scene which has Dutch and Dillon meet up for the first time in the movie and they slap hands together and have an open air arm wrestle. Tell me. Where do you see that in movies today? Answer…. You don’t. Classic.

Aliens

“Let’s Rooock!” As big guns tear up the surrounding area while nasty creepies sneak out of the walls. James Cameron’s template for the mighty Avatar….

Bloodsport

Jumping spinning back kicks, anyone?
“You Jackson? You look like a Jackson.”
This movie is one of my all time favourites. Not because of it’s flawless script or impeccable acting or clever story and character development. But because I saw it when I was around 13 and have seen it 500 times since. It’s in my blood (sport).

Police story

Stuntastic Kung Fu fun. Lets face it. The best Jackie Chan film ever. A brilliant insight into early 80′s Chinese fashion choices. Funny but fucking awesome!

Best of the Best

Eric Roberts finest moment. Take that, Julia! Never has there been a more soppy martial arts movie! Luckily James Earl Jones keeps things on the straight and narrow when tears start flowing.

Last but not least is….

Karate Kid

Let’s face it. It wasn’t Bruce Lee (like others would have you believe) that inspired us all to take up martial arts. It was the Karate Kid….. Which in turn led to the likes of Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan. Repeat after me….. Wax on, wax off, wax on, wax off.

Which leads me to this brilliant short film dressed up like a trailer starring non other then the Karate Kid himself, Ralph Macchio being a very good sport. Very much in the vein of JCVD.
Enjoy…

I saw a TV programme the other day about the SAS and the training and skills they possess. It was interesting beyond what I thought it could be but got me to thinking. SAS ninja-like skills aren’t too dissimilar to parenting. And coincidentally the day I thought about this my skills were put to the test. We (myself and my Queen) had a nice day out planned in Hebden Bridge and part of the day included a trip to the pottery cafe but with 2 kids that were playing up. And that makes anything difficult. Even walking from A to B requires keen negotiating skills!

Let’s compare

The induction, selection training the SAS give out is effectively the first 6 months of your babies life and the first 6 months of the rest of your life. Imagine a world of broken-to-no sleep and intense observation. Having to think on your feet in situations that at the time seem of life and death importance. Making decisions that you’ve not conceived you’d have to make. Non stop stress and joy and smiles and tears and pain and laughter. A face forged out of emotions yet to be felt. Bloody hard. Just as is an obstacle course and a slice of interrogation. I’m sure.

Then there is the brilliant and classic SAS tactic…

Hearts and Minds

Win over the local people’s trust with understanding and communication. Well the same applies with kids. Hearts and Minds. Win them over with understanding and communication. Earn their trust and the battle is two thirds won. This happens after the first birthday. The sponge can’t stop learning from you. Once we get to between 2 and 3 and a stable relationship has developed it becomes easier to influence your children and they feel a lot less like defecting over to the other side. For example….. Being naughty. There are two types of naughty. When they are trouble for you and when they are trouble for other people. This is apparent with my daughter. I’m not really strict but I’m sure she is better behaved with me then say, her Mum.

Dare you venture out into the jungle without your essential SAS survival kit?

The SAS guy probably doesn’t. And there’s another comparison. I won’t venture out without my survival kit which changes every 6 months or so. Currently I’m packing a spare set of clothes, a packet of baby wipes, scented bags, water and an apple. All these things are essential as a Swiss pocket knife and a compass.

OK so I won’t have to take down the bad guys anytime soon but I -may have to clean up poo or sick. And these strikes could come at any time. You could be walking into a room unsuspecting when…. Bam! Action time. You need a tissue and quick!
So…..
Always be ready and remember…. Who dares wins.

I’m going insane

I have created a monster. I can’t leave my iPhone alone. I’m obsessed with how my apps are arranged and how many I’ve got and the order they are in, what colour icons they are, if the planets are aligned as a result, blah blah. It’s getting out of hand and it has to stop.
So…..
I need to put to bed this obsession by confronting it head on and creating the ultimate home screen. A home screen that is functional and gets the most out of the phone+computer+iPod device that is never in my pocket, because I’m too busy messing with the layout.
See…..
There is no issue here except what I’ve created. Why shouldn’t it be anything other then fun? Why stress over it?

…..sigh…..

But I do so here’s what I’m doing. I’m compiling a bunch of home screens all of which are from people I know. Personalities that I know so I understand why the apps are where they are, or at least, try to understand. I want to know what they consider the most important 20 apps. What needs to be on the first page, what needs to be amongst the bottom 4 and what order they like to see them in. I’m heading straight for iPhone home screen oneness and it will be glorious.

NOTE: I know iPhone 4 is out so comparing a 3GS screen is a little dated but fuck it. I’ve not got an iPhone 4 so balls to that!

OK so to start with let’s take the 3GS home screen as it is out of the box and lets see what I deem essential, good and not needed.

OK so the dock (bottom row) first.

Phone – Used daily
Mail – Used daily
Safari – Used daily
iPod – Used almost daily

Now the stock Apple Apps that come as standard….

Messages – Used daily
Calender – Used a lot
Photos – Used daily
Camera – Used daily
You Tube – Hmmm, not used too often
Stocks – What? Opened once to see the interface!
Maps – Used sometimes. Useful App.
Weather – Met Office has a better version that I use often
Voice Memos – Used often
Notes – Used daily
Clock – Used daily
Calculator – Not used too often
Settings – Used daily
iTunes – Used once
App Store – Used a lot
Compass – Never used properly
Contacts – Never. I jump to Contacts through Phone

So we now have some Apps we can remove from the home screen because they simply aren’t being used

You Tube – Hmmm, not used too often
Stocks – What? Opened once to see the interface!
Weather – Met Office has a better version that I use often
Calculator – Not used too often
iTunes – Used once
Compass – Never used properly
Contacts – Never. I jump to Contacts through Phone

Now comes the order….
I reckon Apple know what they are doing so there is no reason to move the stock Apps I’m keeping on the front page… Well except for Messages, which I’ll swap with iPod in the dock. Messages pulls rank with usage alone and I think Safari needs to be swapped with Camera. Again because I take pictures more then browse the net.
So that fills the (always accessible) dock with the most used.
This leaves spaces that need filling.

Weather is being swapped with Met Office due to it allowing for forward planning. Leaving 5 spaces available…….

Rather then list every App I have and rate them as above I am just going to list all the Apps I use daily.

To-Dos – Lists of stuff, well, to do
Project 365 – A photo a day for a year. I like photos so it figures
MobileRSS – To keep up with my feeds. Of which are many!
Wordpress – To manage this site and others!
Dropbox – Useful back up / sharing service

How are we doing now?
So with the spaces left filled with Apps I’ve downloaded that I use daily….
Why couldn’t I have done that when I got the fucking phone?! It’s simple! What a knob. A knob with the perfect home screen!!

“But iPhone’s OS4 allows groups so you should be utilising groups” I hear you say……
Well. Pages 2 and 3 do have groups. Games being one of the notible groups. But not on the home screen. I feel it hinders usability and I think the key thing is to have super quick access to the apps on the home screen.

So here it is. My perfect home screen and with this post, my OCD cured, (or controlled)…..

Point to note…

Don’t let my daughter play in the dirt with a white T-shirt on.

Little Miss Green Fingers goes into her own little world whilst digging in her Grandma’s plot. Amazing how she finds 101 mini games to play with herself with just soil and rocks and Grandma’s bulbs. Oh and an ornimental ‘welcome’ signpost.